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23 October 2011 @ 11:19 am
for a BURGER from SONIC of all places. We have been stuck in the house for 6 days straight thus far and have at least a week longer to be stuck while Tom is away working. His truck broke down so he ended up having to take my car when he went on the road this time. I have never felt so disjointed in my life as I feel right now and when Georgia brought up having Sonic I swear I drooled a little. I guess tonight , even though we have no veggies I will make some burgers. Maybe a rendition of white castle mini burgers (since I don't have bread or feel like making any but do have frozen bread roll dough) and some homemade onion rings. Well, what do yah know, I am drooling again!
25 August 2011 @ 03:35 pm
It has been so long since I updated my personal journal. I am usually so focused on our family journal that I don't have much use for my personal thoughts anymore. Sometimes I am not so sure I have those but recently something has bee bothering me tremendously. I recently found out the first real relationship, my first boyfriend period Mario committed suicide. I don't know how , I don't know why until recently I didn't even know how I felt about it. A part of me was sad for his family, for his close friends, one of which I had loved with all of my heart at one point in time. I knew these people were hurting, they were lost, dumbfounded at the cowardly exit of someone they loved from their lives. I tried with all of my might to feel something for him but no matter what I could not find any emotion. I felt almost inhuman not caring that he was gone until I realized that I did care only it wasn't in a way I would have ever imagined. I realized that I hated him even more than I already had , not for killing himself but for never getting to tell him how I felt about him. Never being able to tell him that for all that he did to me I still came out the better person.

You see, I met him when I was only 17 years old. I had never been allowed to date, wasn't even allowed male friends. I was scared when one of my only friends at college set me up on a blind date. I didn't know what to expect, didn't have the slightest clue how to act but all fears were put to rest when he came to pick me up in his ratty old blue car. He was very pleasant, easy to talk to and very easy to be around. We immediately took a liking to each other even though there was a 6 year age difference, we shared our lives, loves (which for me were nothing more than childhood crushes from afar) and laughed the entire evening. I was so thankful to have found someone who respected me, who respected my wishes. Especially the wish to abstain from sex until I was married, something that was more important to me than anything anyone could ever imagine. I was a virgin and as an abused child, having nothing that was ever my own I intended on keeping the ONE thing that belonged to me until I found the perfect person, my husband, the man I intended to spend my entire life with.

One night, after dating for about 2 months I went to visit his family where he lived. We were planning a whole weekend with 2 of his friends so this would be a sleep over visit. I never thought anything of it, I even packed my most hideous nightgown that went passed my toes. The first night we both fell asleep after a night of talking in his room, late into the night I was awakened by a pain between my legs. I opened my eyes, still not quite sure of what was happening and in no way coherent from sleep to find that this man who I had trusted had pulled my underwear from my body and had his way with me. I protested with several "no's" but all he did was repeat the "no's" and continued to invade me without my permission. I think somewhere in the middle of my protest I fainted, or fell back to sleep, to this day I have no idea what happened but I woke up hurting and wishing I was anywhere but in my own body. I didn't know what to do with myself, he was laying next to me and as I got up to dress myself and run from his house I heard him say to me "I love you". On those words I think perhaps I went a bit insane and from that moment on I became a crazed possessive, jealous girlfriend. In my head , I somehow distorted what had happened, I somehow forced myself to determine that I had to spend my life with this person no matter what. I MUST love him, I must marry him, I must , I must, I must. A few months later he ended our relationship at church citing that after much prayer God had told him it was the right thing. I was heart broken, he took my virginity from me so this couldn't happen. We could not break up! But break up we did. A part of me was empty, I had nothing, not my own emotions, my virginity, I was no longer ME. A few weeks later after I had gotten through the shock I got angry which is one of the reasons why when he came begging for me to come back to him I took him back. I took him back only to reel him in and leave him with nothing a few weeks later. I had become vindictive and insane. I was such a good girl before, innocent, sweet, would have done anything for anybody but now all I wanted was to hurt him. Honestly I think I wanted to hurt everyone, eventually it turned into me wanting to hurt myself.

About a month later when the reality set in and the fact that I was raped became clear to me for the first time since the night it actually happened I decided I didn't want to live anymore. I took a bottle of pills and laid down in my new apartment to die. I don't even remember what led to my survival, all I remember was a person who I never thought of as a friend begging me to go to the hospital. I don't remember how he found out what I had done, I just know he saved me.

For a long time I worked hard not to see the person who took from me my most precious gift. We tended to hang in the same circle but it seemed with our separation most of our friends chose me instead of him. I was thankful for that because I in no way wanted to be alone. It was during that time that I fell in love for the first real time in my life. I fell in love with someone who just so happened to be his best friend. We were spending more and more time together when a good girlfriend of mine , unknowing of my feelings , told me that he had confessed to her he was in love with me as well but would never act because of his duty to my rapist. I became even angrier but I felt like I could never have anyone I wanted so I would go for someone I didn't, a person who he had pushed on me in an effort to hide his own feelings, something that ended our friendship. I spent 8 years with that person until I found myself and realized I couldn't spend my entire life with someone I didn't love.

In a way I am thankful nothing ever worked out because I now have a wonderful family but in another way I hate knowing he got out of taking my life from me or so long. I let what he did to me lead me on a crazy spiral for almost 10 years of my young life. I wanted to be able to tell him, to yell at him. Eventually we reconnected via face-book and I decided since I was happy that I would try to forgive him as God would have done but not before unleashing my anger on him. I wanted him to know the pain I had suffered because of him before I forgave him. It seems petty and a little childish but it was like closure to me. In the end though, I chickened out of that conversation, I didn't have it in me to handle the visions it would have brought up. I saved it for another day but now that day can never be. To this day I wish I had told someone, I wish I had ran from his house, gone to the police, told someone what he did to me. It is rather ironic that my rapist ended up being a "law abiding citizen" in the form of a police officer. He is now being treated as a troubled "angel" by his friends and family. So that leaves me with angry, angry that he never paid for what he did to me.

Since his suicide I have found myself talking to my husband a lot about Mario. I know he doesn't know what to think but I cannot explain to him the void a part of me still feels after being raped by someone I trusted. He knew I was a virgin, knew how important keeping that part of me in tact was but he really didn't care. The oddest thing now though is that I find myself trying to comfort his family and friends even though a big part of me wants to shout at them that he was no angel. Given a lot of the stuff he shared with me, how he manipulated me throughout our entire relationship (which is a story for another day) it's a hard thing not to blurt out but there is no need to add to the suffering. Though, he in no way deserves the grief!
04 May 2006 @ 02:30 pm
MY Gawd! I am so addicted to My Space!

07 December 2003 @ 06:32 pm
Blues Run the Game
(Original by Jackson C Frank)
Catch a boat to England baby
Maybe to Spain
Whereever I have gone
Whereever I've been and gone
Whereever I have gone
The blues are all the same
Send out for whisky baby
Send out for gin
Me and room service honey
Me and room service babe
Me and room service, well
We're living a life of sin
When I'm not drinking baby
You are on my mind
When I'm not sleeping honey
When I ain't sleeping Mama
When I'm not sleeping
You know you find me crying
Try another city baby
Another town
Whereever I have gone
Whereever I've been and gone
Whereever I have gone
The blues come following down
Living is a gamble baby
Loving's much the same
Whereever I have played
Whenever I've thrown them dice
Whereever I have played
The blues have run the game
Maybe tomorrow honey
Some place down the line
I'll wake up older
So much older Mama
I'll wake up older
And I'll just stop all my trying
25 November 2003 @ 03:40 pm
img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/SeanT/1056862714_topWalken6.jpg" border="0" alt="Walken 5">
Christopher Walken says their is
something wrong with that furry friend!

"Look, pal. I noticed the dog.
That...dog...it had no tail? Did they dock the
tail...yeah thats too bad. I wish everyone had
a tail. That way, when you were angry you
could wag that tail, people would say 'step
back, don't bother Chris today, he's having a
bad day.' Otherwise, what's the point. If I
had a tail, I would be expressive with THAT
TAIL. I mean, you could always get on an

What advice would Christopher Walken give you?
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23 November 2003 @ 08:58 pm

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?
22 November 2003 @ 05:11 pm
Now that's just scary....

Why would anyone let their kids chill with a dude who looks like this? Hello clue!
22 November 2003 @ 05:08 pm
As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of "What

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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21 November 2003 @ 10:23 pm
1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
Make money
Get a decent job
Lose a few pounds
Get a car or form of transportation
stop biting my nails

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
James (although he was an asshole when last we spoke)

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

Fix cars
Shoot pool well
Dance (slow)

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
Give half to Charity
Buy a ranch w. swimming pool & horses
Get 2 cars
buy my mother a house
Buy my brother a small house

5. List five things you do that help you relax.

sit under the stars
get high
20 November 2003 @ 10:28 pm
Axl Rose SeXy
You are Axl Rose. You are the original bad boy.
Rules? Pfff - what the hell are those? Rules
are made to keep losers in line! You are much
to bad to follow rules. You are also
chronically late for any and every function -
work, school, concerts, etc. You joke that
you'll be late to your own funeral (get it,
late? hee hee) You are too cool to be bothered
with anything so trivial as time, you run on
Axl time and all that know you either have to
accept or "Why don't you just F#@k
off!!!" You have your own style that is
uniquely you - you look cool wearing anything
from leather pants to kilts. You are very
spiritual, contemplative, and reflective. You
try to pour all of your emotions into your
writing or other artistic endeavors, but
occassionally you let your temper loose on
others. But you don't mean to be such a bad
boy, you act out as a result of an unhappy or
abusive childhood. And besides, you really like
being lewd, rude and tattoed!

What 80's Butt Rocker Are You?
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